I went snorkeling for the first time in my life, without a life preserver.

I can not fully express the excitement, freedom and joy I felt as I discovered that I could float, breathe, and see all at the same time. There was no panic, no distraction from the usually frantic voice in my head that told me I had to get to a safe depth before I sank and ran out of air.

Our group was taken to Dog Island in San Blas for a snorkeling trip, where only 25 ft off of the island, a small shipwreck was lodged in a sandbar. Also, there was abundant brain coral surrounding the island starting only a few feet from the beach. The water was completely clear and free of any debris. Although the visibility simply looking straight down without a mask was pretty good (I could see little fish darting around my legs), it was like being plunged literally into a different world when I put my head under water.

The colors became so much more vibrant and true, and I saw that while above the water the shipwreck looked only like a hunk of rusted metal, there was an amazing variety of fish, coral and other brightly colored organisms beneath. When I later lazily explored the edge the coral field, I floated through schools of small silver fish and some ephemeral, transparent jellyfish-like animals. I floated…no life preserver, no stress, just as easy as pie…

I also have Jonathan to thank, as he made me get out to the shipwreck in the first place. The current was somewhat strong around the wreck, and he charted a course so that I could swim, grab onto something, and then got me back to a place where I could stand with my head above the water. Even with 6 months of swim classes and knowing I can swim 50 meters without stopping, I was awfully happy to be standing on firm ground.

I have had a phobia of deep water all my life. Deep water was defined by as anything that rose above my chin. Of utmost importance was that I could still touch a surface -either the floor, or the nice comforting wall of a pool. If Jonathan even pretended to drop me in or toss me under, I would take in a huge breath and start panicking, kicking and thrashing around, and my heart would start pounding.

I have pinpointed this to two incidents. The first was when I was very young and my brothers were trying to teach me to swim, and said something like ¨if you drop her into deeper water, she´ll naturally swim¨. It is one of my first memories – looking up from beneath the water at them (lucky for them I don´t remember which three of five!) and not being able to breathe. The second time was at a trip to the Brookline High pool in third grade, where some girl decided it would be fun to sit on my shoulders, and I went under and couldn´t get her off me. I blacked out, and woke up on the bench beside the pool.

Last year for my 30th birthday, I decided that once and for all I should really be able to do something BILLIONS of other people on earth could do, and even seemed to enjoy. Damn it, I could figure out the Medicare system, I could culture embryonic chick neurons, I should be able to swim.

I enrolled in the Newton YMCA beginning swim classes last September. I knew that the three other people in my class had to want it pretty badly too, to be taking swimming classes which started at 7:40pm on a weeknight and continued through the dead of winter.

My phobia, I knew, was completely irrational. This was especially hard for me to deal with because as a scientist I spent so much of my time being so absolutely rational, methodical and analytical. It made no ¨sense¨ that I could learn the strokes, how to breathe, and then completely panic once I knew that I was beyond the five foot depth marker (a metal pole on the side of the pool marked the dropoff). My only consolation was watching the other people in the class do the same. We also all tried to be in the lane closest to the pool wall – always handy to have something to grab on to, much more solid than the lane dividers.

I am so glad that I made myself do it, and now have the real knowledge that I can swim, and that I too actually float. It´ll probably take some more time for me to completely have confidence to swim out into a big open body of water, but I think I am hooked on to snorkeling.